Personal Struggle

After a lot of thought, I finally decided to write about something very personal. As I type this I still feel very apprehensive if I should be putting this story out there for the world to see.
This year I will be completing 7 years of marriage and 5 of those years have been spent trying to start a family with no luck. I turned 30 last December and as my birthday approached I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It took me a while to realise that this feeling had nothing to do with my age or growing older or having more lines on my face. It finally dawned on me that I felt this way because I still haven't had any luck in the baby Department.
Whenever I open my Facebook page and see in the newsfeed that a friend has updated his/hers baby's latest photos or receive an email from an old friend that she is going to be a mother for the 2nd time, I immediately type a simple Congratulations note and as I type this Congratulatory note I do not feel jealousy. I think to myself when will it be my time.
As I am typing now I have a lump in my throat and am wondering if I should continue.....In December 2006 I decided to consult a doctor. After doing a series of tests, I found out I had PCOS ( Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome ) and also an underactive thyroid ( Hypo-thyroidism ). As I did not have anyone who could advice me, I went ahead with Fertility treatment. The hospital I went to did not have an individualised treatment programme and the chief doctor did not take any time to explain to me in detail about the treatment. After several scans, hormonal injections I started my 1st cycle of IVF. The hormonal injections triggered OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). They extracted 32 eggs from my ovaries and in the lab 9 embryos were formed. The Embryo Transfer (ET) could not be performed in the same cycle because of my OHSS and they had to wait till my ovaries reduced to their normal size. During this time I was hospitalized for 11 days. The 9 embryos were frozen.
Apart from going through this treatment which made me very emotional, I also had to deal with other issues at home. My father-in-law had a paralytic stroke and my husband and me went through a rough patch in our marriage. In August 2007, I underwent Frozen Embryo Transfer. The Embryos are placed directly in the uterus and then I was given more hormonal pills to support the pregnancy, 13 days later I found out that it was a failure. I had to start again.
In October 2007, I underwent the 2nd Frozen Embryo Transfer. This time I was lucky. I took good care of my health and rested. Meanwhile I found out I had gestational Diabetes and was put on Insulin injections. On October 31st, my 4th wedding anniversary I started bleeding. I called the hospital and they asked me to be on bed-rest. On November 1st 2007 after having lunch I started bleeding again. I panicked. I called my husband at work and he said he'll be home soon. Meanwhile I called the hospital and they asked me to get to the hospital as soon as I can. A neighbour of mine who is a good friend helped me get ready to go to the hospital.
At the hospital they gave me an injection to stop bleeding and instructed me that i have to stay in the hospital for 5 days of bed-rest. I should not sit up even to eat.
My husband informed my dad in bangalore who came to offer us his help and moral support. For 4 days I was in bed lying down.In me 2nd or 3rd day at the hospital, they did a scan and showed us the fetal heartbeat. I was overjoyed. On the 5th day, my husband decided to visit his parents in their hometown. My dad was in the hospital with me. In the evening, I started bleeding again. I was given another injection to stop the bleeding. My husband was on his way back to Chennai. my dad went home to rest that night as my husband came back. Early in the morning I started bleeding heavily. The nurses came to check on me and cleaned me up. In the morning when I saw the doctor, I broke down and she shouted at me for being pessimistic. The next day I was taken in for another scan. This time there was nothing on the monitor. My husband and me broke down. I went back to my room as I was told that the uterus had to be surgically cleaned and the contents had to be sent for testing. It was devastating. The same afternoon I went into surgery for the clean-up. My husband was sent with the contents to give it for testing. The next day I went home. I was distraught.
Today, 3 years later I am still childless. When I go out and see people with their kids, I smile but when I come home to an empty house I know what I am missing. I see my husband's face light up when he sees a little kid playing in the park. We have given ourselves 2 years time and if I don't conceive naturally by then we will adopt.
To all those parents, I wish to say Cherish every moment with your child. Switch off the TV and talk to your kids. Don't put a pacifier in your baby's mouth. Your child does not need it. Speak to your child and see how fast your child develops language. Do not put your child in a stroller. Hold his/her hand and walk. Do remember that your child's personality is created between birth and age 6.